“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
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What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
who will stop them
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
*Inspirational Tweets*
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”