I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
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IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.