It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
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The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.