ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
You Might Also Like
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Whoa 😂