Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
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mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
they really do be looking like this
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.