1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
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Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler