It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
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Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Banana is the quietest snack
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.