What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
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So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
i was baptized in a car wash
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.