I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
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At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”