Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
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It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Me checking my bank balance online.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works