Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
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I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
wow
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
the way this pissed me off… 😭
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Meanwhile in Canada…