[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
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Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.