Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
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“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.