Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
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The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table