Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
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This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
LOL
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?