“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
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My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Hot Hot Hot
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Labreador
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally