I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
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My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Choose your fighter
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
#TopTip
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.