Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
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Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.