My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
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Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Breaking news:
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?