I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
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my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Science memes
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.