Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
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To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??