God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
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religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”