Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
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4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Genius idea!!
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.