guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
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Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.