mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
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water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.