St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
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Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
That’s fair
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.