My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
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Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Happy Taco Tuesday
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I have two kinds of followers
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.