[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
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Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there