Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
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me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look