Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
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I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
love it when they get my name right
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Stop it! 😂
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.