Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
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I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.