According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field