worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
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I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Jogging
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.