my name if I was in the mob
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Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
AM I BEING GASLIT????