Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
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Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
getting old is fun
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster