You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
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My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.