I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
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Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.