Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
You Might Also Like
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
He’s dead
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar