My neck my back my allergy attack
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It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT