funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
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(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
this could fix me
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
He a real one for that
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*