Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
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Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭