I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
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When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
This a good idea