[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
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I’m so full I could puke a horse
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
me as a parent
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
another case of gang violins
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans