You Might Also Like
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
cat owners be like don鈥檛 worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I鈥檓 literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn鈥檛 (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN鈥橳 STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 馃槨馃棷
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I鈥檓 curious
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!