my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
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It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”