“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
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Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.