Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
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*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
North and South
This is amazing.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”