I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
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Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.