Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
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[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy