PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
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Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Why font matters.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic